you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
