somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
