My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
