We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
