i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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