Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
