i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
