Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
