and my herpes radar will keep us safe
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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