Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
