Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
