i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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