Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
