Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
