Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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