i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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