Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
