Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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