and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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