The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
