my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
