She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
