Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
