apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
