i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
