At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
