I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he fucked my hip out of place.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
