i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
