did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
