My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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