Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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