i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
