Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
