I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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