just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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