I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
