I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
