I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
