Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
