my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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