True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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