ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
