I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
