Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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