Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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