yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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