You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
