Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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