Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
