I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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